"Silent Partner" by Annie Heisey, 2007.
The reason for posting a blog entry today is not by chance. I chose this painting, done by the local Portland, Oregon artist Annie Heisey, because of the year of the painting, the subject nature of her artwork, and specifically, this image. This was by far the hardest thing to write, because it is such a deeply personal story. So, let us journey into my faded memory, 7 years ago to a different time in my life.
It was May 4, 2007. I had gone out to Sunriver, Oregon, for a weekend getaway hosted by my sorority, Alpha Phi, and hosted by our partnered fraternity, Kappa Sigma. I was a "date" of one of my friends, who brought me along to forget about the upcoming finals week, to stay at one of the rented luxury vacation homes within the Sunriver community.
The house was enormous, and although the boys had paid for about 4-5 of us (plus whoever they were planning on fucking at the end of the night) to stay there, and although they had graciously given me my own private room with a locked door to stay in, I knew all too well from previous frat parties someone would likely end up in "my" room hooking up or puking or passed out.
Even though it was probably in the mid 80's that day, my friends and I spent the day roasting a turkey and basting it with PBR and whatever else we could slather onto it. I intermittently spent the day wandering back and forth to the back patio, wearing my shorts and a bikini top, chain smoking cigarettes, lounging in the sun, drinking beer, and passing a joint around with my fellow male friends.
It was harmless, young fun. We were all just so happy to be away from campus, and able to do whatever we could without fear of the police barging through the frat house to issue citations for underage drinking and marijuana possession.
By the time night was approaching, we had readied the vacation home for the insurgence of some 100+ young undergrads to fill the house to dance with music, drink beer, and celebrate the closing of another school year. I was so excited, because I felt so comfortable with all my friends - my sorority sisters had been encouraging me to relax and have more fun and the guys from Kappa Sigma, who were my friends too, were joking around and having a great time. Everyone was relaxed, and I too, was relaxed. My boyfriend at the time of 6 years was at NYU, and we'd been doing a long term relationship for most of school, and I never really felt truly comfortable drinking or partying - even though I was in a sorority - because I didn't want to let him down. I didn't want him to think of me as less of a person for potentially causing a situation that could be made more tense because of our distance.
People were boiling into the house now carrying cases of beer, kegs, and hard alcohol. Girls were swarming the living room in cute little outfits, trying to figure out how to use the sound system to blast music. The guys were piled out from the kitchen to the back patio where I had been sunbathing earlier and some were hopping into the hot tub with their clothes still on. I went out on the back patio and sidled up to a group of guys huddled around a bong. One of the guys passed it to me between coughs and proclaimed "This is some good, outdoor grown sticky Oregon stuff, have a hit" and so I did. I wandered back into the living room, popped open a PBR, picked off a bite of the turkey I had roasted, and began chatting with some of my sisters. Hip hop music was blaring from the speakers, and I was feeling inclined to dance a little. So, me, dressed in my bikini top and shorts, planted my feet in the middle of the living room, and began artfully waving my arms and legs around while my sisters joined me, giggling, and we got into the rhythm.
While goofily dancing around, I suddenly felt arms and hands come around from behind me, and pulling me in closer to their body. I feel gyrating. I feel a slight erection. I wince, and turn around, and come face to face with a pale red headed male who I don't know. I look at him, place distance between us, frown (as if to say, stop what you're doing, you're gross) and walk away. He looks unaffected and moved on to the next girl. I didn't think about it twice.
I move to the back patio, where several of my male friends are in the hot tub. There's about 30 people still piled out on the patio, so there's girls and guys leaning against the hot tub, everyone is animatedly talking over the music and fairly buzzed. I take off my shorts so I am just in my bikini now, and set my flip flops off to the side of the hot tub. Immediately, I'm engrossed in a conversation with everyone in the hot tub with me, and we're all laughing and talking about how fun the party is so far. One of my friends, a short, fat, ginger haired fellow with a beard, who has a resemblance somewhat to a troll, is sitting in the corner. He seems like he's bobbing in and out of consciousness, and I remember warning him to be careful not to pass out in the water, because the hot tub can make you feel drunker, faster. He kind of grimaces and shoos me off, saying he's fine.
I move back over the the corner of the tub and there's two more guys who have joined, and everyone else has left the hot tub and gone back inside. It's just me, my troll friend, some large muscular bro with a tribal tattoo on his chest, and the weird pale red headed guy from the dance floor.
I move back to the other side of the hot tub - the heat is making my face warm and I realize I'm not quite sober enough to get out of the tub, so I decide to stand and move my arms around beneath me to keep myself upright.
Suddenly, I feel someone behind me, and I turn around and its the pale red headed fellow from the dance floor - and he's staring right into my face. I dismiss whatever he's saying and face my back to him again, hoping he'll stop trying to talk to me. Clearly, he is on a mission tonight, and I am not interested.
The next thing I remember, is someone grabbing me from behind and forcing off my bikini bottoms. I turn around, scared, and start pulling them up, making eye contact with the pale red headed man, who meets me with a very silent, warning gaze. He grabs me again, and forces my bikini bottoms off, and I yell "Stop! NO!" but it is too late, and my body goes into numbness and shock. I knew what was happening but it felt like when you are at the dentist and they inject you with novacaine before surgery. I could feel what he was doing to me, but I was immobile, and my body was numb.
Everything goes black. The lights are off in the hot tub now, and I come to consciousness and as I open my eyes, I realize I'd been held under water. My hair was wet. My bikini was gone and I was gasping for breath. Someone shoves my head under water again. I struggle. They hold me there. I realize that my struggle with the water isn't the only thing happening, and can feel the numbness between my legs of another person's anatomy inside me. As I surface again, I use all my will to turn around and face the red headed guy and fight him - except when I turn around, it's not him, and it's the muscular guy with the tribal tattoo. I try to yell stop, but words can't escape my mouth, and as he pushes my head under water again to silence me, I see the face of my troll friend, watching me, and the pale red headed guy jumping out of the hot tub.
When I came back to consciousness, everything was a blur. It felt like that scene from Donnie Darko, where Donnie enters the house party and all he can see are time space continuum tunnels coming from every person's body, and everything is in slow motion. I look around for anyone to help me, but everyone surrounding the hot tub seems oblivious to what has happened. I run into the party, shoving everyone out of my way screaming "who is that guy with the tattoo?! who is that guy with the red hair?! where did they go?! WHERE DID THEY GO?!" and a guy grabs me, tells me to stop yelling, and tells me they just left in their car to head back to Portland. I yell "YOU NEED TO CALL THE POLICE NOW!" and he looks alarmed and ushers me into the bathroom, telling me to wait there while he talks to some of the guys.
I closed the door to the bathoom, naked, shaking, and completely wet. I bent over the sink and turned on the faucet and started screaming and crying and hitting everything within reach. I was crying so hard I was causing a gag reflex to happen, and kept dry heaving over the sink. After I stopped, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed my back, my buttocks, and my thighs were covered with long bloody gashes. My life, as I knew it, had now changed forever.
