Artist credit: Helena Wurzel
It's been many, many years since I've written on this blog. I've been keeping a hand written journal, but my thoughts come so quickly sometimes that I find I need to have a simpler way to write them down for myself. I want to quickly acknowledge in the years since I've written on here, I got married in 2018, and we have a toddler together that I gave birth to in 2019. And there was a whole-ass pandemic we managed to live through. It's been some of the best years of my personal life, contrasted dimly by some of the worst. Let's dig into that.
I've been in therapy off and on for a handful of years with a very talented and credentialed therapist who has helped me work through the grieving process of coping with a mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It is something that took a long time for me to come around to connecting the dots together on, and for the longest time I tried to find ways to make things work to include my mother in my life as major life events were happening for me. I noticed a pattern that started taking place with her over the years, which was that each of these key life events happening for me, she would have something dramatic happen to shift the focus back onto her and it would ultimately nearly ruin the event (my engagement, my wedding, my baby shower, the birth of my child, trying to include her as an active grandparent in my child's life). It was as though she saw me as an extension of herself, and anytime I moved in a further direction away from her, she got more volatile, more focused on how we could bring things back to revolving around her and her needs. As she got older and her aging process made her mobility harder, and her health worse, I had many conversations with her about not over-extending herself and trying to find ways to help bring things to her house, make it easy, make things accessible for visits with her grandchild. I could tell she wasn't good at hitting the "pause" button for herself and was clearly willing to exhaust herself because she didn't want to miss out on anything, and didn't want to be told what to do or given options on how to go about things, no matter how gently put by me.
The breaking point came for me this August when we had an outing with my husband, dad and our child together at the Zoo and my mom (who had said would be staying at home to rest, but sending my dad along) sprung a surprise on us last minute by showing up, and rented herself a scooter to get around in that we weren't prepared to navigate dealing with, but we made the most of it and tried to make sure she felt included with us. She abruptly disappeared off to the bathroom not long into our Zoo visit (which in itself isn't terribly unusual because, as mentioned, she has health issues and needs to be be near bathrooms often so I had prepared ourselves for the possibility she might need to break away frequently). What happened next was not normal, she and my dad were vaguely answering texts after I checked in when about 15 minutes had passed to see if all was well, and then not responding after that. We stayed in the same place, and waited, and then waited some more until about 1 hour had passed and at that point, our toddler was melting down because my husband and I couldn't get my parents to answer their phones, and we didn't know where they were or what had happened and why they stopped responding. Eventually they showed back up and my mother stated that they had "gotten lost" and "toured the rest of the Zoo on their own and already saw everything" and asked what we were doing and why our child was melting down. I'm pretty certain my husband had smoke coming out of his ears at that point (ha!). We were both deeply unhappy. My mother has a pattern of making up lies that don't correlate to anything, and she truly can't help how often she lies. I could tell she wasn't being truthful with us entirely, and it didn't have a single thing to do with going to the bathroom. In fact, she had my father take the blame for why it took so long and why they toured the entire Zoo without us while we waited for them. My toddler was visibly very upset as to why her Grandma suddenly disappeared on her with no good explanation (and to add insult to injury my mom had the gall to ask "is she always like this?" as if to indicate she had some sort of behavioral issue instead of a very normal toddler reaction to a very not normal scenario). It was from that point forward my spouse and I decided to limit communication with my mom and it was during that time I took about 6 weeks to sort out how I wanted to proceed with my relationship with her. This was not the first time I had noticed her behaviors impacting my toddler directly in a bad way - and it reminded me of how things were for me at that same age when my mom failed to meet my very normal toddler / childhood needs. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was not longer able to shield my daughter from the pain my mom can inflict emotionally, and potentially physically (because my entire childhood I suffered from terrible emotional and physical abuse from my mom, and witnessed my dad endure it at home too). I concluded that my mom is not capable of being consistent enough with her emotions, her mental state, respecting boundaries, etc for her to continue being a part of our lives. So with a heavy heart I reached out via email and attempted one last salvaging attempt to see if I could lead her to the path of repair.
I emailed her (and should add, my dad saw this email too because my mom doesn't allow my dad to have anything private - she has access to his email, phone, and reads everything and often responds to it on his behalf too. Boundaries are not her forte.) and stated what I was deeply unhappy about, and suggested that if she could find a way to acknowledge when she has said or behaved in hurtful ways, ask us from time to time how we are doing (because she rarely did that and only talks about herself when we would see her) and apologize for when she has behaved or acted in hurtful ways. Her response to that was that *I* was triggering her by reminding her of her mother whom she hated so much and was "very cruel to her growing up" and that she suggested I go to therapy with her and talk about my being raped in college, and that she expressed that "that had impacted and hurt her too" (the rape) and she felt she needed us to be in therapy for her to talk about her feelings. She didn't acknowledge or apologize for anything. I realized in her response to me that she isn't capable of those things, and I let her know as my response that "our conversation is done here" and left it at that. I wasn't going to do the emotional and mental labor for her to fill her in on everything she was missing the point on - because it felt moot. It felt so hurtful to me that she would somehow simultaneously blame me for her feelings (not be accountable for it herself) and also make my being raped in college about her and her feelings. Who the actual FUCK does that.
For several months now, and of course with therapy guidance, I worked to have a relationship just with my dad. My sister and I have a relationship too - but her boundary was that I not describe what happened or what led to the breakdown of my relationship with our mom because she wants absolutely nothing to do with it, so I am respecting that for her. With my dad I let him know that if at any point he decided he needed to focus on his marriage and needed to take a break from visits with my husband, daughter, and I, I would respect that choice, albeit sad.
Things had been going really well with my dad, considering. He was coming up to spend quality time with my daughter, and I could sense he felt relaxed at my house and we were able to have conversations together about everyday things (which was really nice, because my mom never let me usually have alone time with my dad without her present, and she usually did all the talking for the both of them so I never really got to hear my dad talk much). Unfortunately, on our most recent outing on March 18, 2023 my dad chose Owl Fest (an annual birdwatching festival in Portland focused on, you guessed it, owls) to pull me aside and let me know that if I were going to continue to choose to not allow my mom to have a relationship with us, then he was not going to be able to see or communicate with us any longer, indefinitely. As in, no contact with him. I asked him if he had understood what that meant - which meant no texting, no emails, letters, phone calls, visits, sending presents, no exceptions for birthdays or holidays and that it was a very final thing. He seemed saddened by that explanation and pleaded with me to consider just setting aside my differences with my mom and to make it so we can all just see one another. I could tell this was coming from a place that wasn't in his heart - but moreso the pressure was being placed upon him by my mom as a manipulation tactic on her end.
I spent the next hour sitting with him in the woods on a hiking trail, talking and working backwards through where this was all suddenly coming from. I explained to him finally (because I hadn't ever stated this) that I firmly believe my mom has Borderline Personality Disorder and it had been confirmed based on my recounts in therapy sessions by a professional (and I let him know of course its not a formal diagnosis, because my mom would have to agree to see someone and then get a formal diagnosis, which, if you know anything about people with personality disorders, its a tough thing to accomplish). I let him know that I do not have any sort of personality disorder but I do suffer from C-PTSD and anxiety, and I talked a bit about how and why that is, my childhood, where things stem from, and how the decades of constant volatile mood swings from my mom and her emotional abuse and physical abuse harmed me psyche deeply. I have trust issues, and I have severe anxiety as a result from it and I have spent a lot of time putting in a lot of work on myself for years to help get on top of all of that. It seemed at one point during that conversation things I was describing about my mom's volatility and violent / aggressive outbursts, her manipulation tactics, the ways she frequently lies (to the point where she will tell people whole conversations she's had with another person that she most definitely did not have) her constant need for affirmation about her appearance and her constant need for attention, etc. It is exhausting to keep up with - but my dad was starting to understand what I was saying and began recounting his own personal experiences, including mentioning that my mom had told him that due to the fact he hasn't been intimate with her for over 30 years and is unchanging in that stance, she wants to spend her "dying" years (she is always "dying" of something - another thing - she very much abuses the medical system to her advantage) only surrounded by people who actually love her and want to have sex with her, and he said that she was recommending that they divorce or separate permanently because, as my dad admitted, their relationship had not been good for a long time. He stated she was blaming me for the divorce because I have destroyed the family and caused these problems for them at home. How? I don't even fucking know how to unpack that.
He expressed to me he is afraid of her, he thinks that she is very very smart and she's kept his finances, his social/family circle, everything held above his head for a long time. He said that if they sell their house and he moves elsewhere (near us) that he needs help with finding an apartment and how to, in a way, reacclimate to being back in society and not under the thumb of a decades' long abuser. It broke my heart to think that my dad and I were in some odd way trauma bonding over our shared abuse. He is aware that I hold him partly responsible for that abuse, too, because I told him that his response when my mom would have her rages was to shut down and disassociate and do nothing. I told him that he could've said or done things to stop her, and he didn't, and that was on him. But anyway, we are now at a point in the conversation I was having with him where he's considering going through with the divorce, and he begged me to keep it a secret from everyone (especially our extended family) because he is ashamed, and also he told me not to reach out to him at all because any contact I have with him (due to my mom looking at his emails and phone) makes my mom more infuriated and it makes the situation at home for him worse. He said he may consider seeking marriage therapy with my mom, but didn't sound terribly optimistic about it. I encouraged him to go the divorce route and suggested with him an action plan for ways he can get a hold of me and see me should he need to quickly get to a safe place and need a place to stay. So...now he knows how to reach me if he needs to, in a way that won't be traced by my mom. I just don't know if I am ever going to see him or hear from him again. And now my daughter doesn't have two grandparents she will potentially ever see again while they are living.
I've been grieving this really hard, crying every night after my husband and I put our daughter to bed. We have worked so hard together as a couple to ensure that within our own home, we raise our daughter in an environment where she feels secure, safe, heard and loved. I cannot fathom choosing a spouse over a child. But I also cannot fathom trying to leave an abusive marriage. I truly worry sometimes that my mom might be capable of murdering my dad because she gets so angry sometimes. I have one distinct memory from growing up where my mom was upset with my dad about something, and she hurled kitchen knives at him from across the room trying to hit him. It was very frightening. I know that I've offered everything to my dad that I can, and I just hope that he makes the right choice and finds a way to enjoy the rest of his life free from abuse, and pain.
